Everyone knows that coffee can give you the shits. Years ago, I gave up on coffee, especially after a night of drinking, in which case even just a few sips of it can turn your asshole into a raging volcano, vomiting forth copious amounts of stinking, steaming, frothy hangover diarrhea. Many years back, every day was a hangover day, and coffee was out. As much as we all know how much I love the doo doo, what I don't like is the angry rectal itch that comes with it, especially when one works outside in the heat all day. Ass sweat can exacerbate the problem tremendously. When you actually contemplate wrapping a finger in a moist towelette and doing the predictable thing, you know something has to be done.


I give you the Krups fecamatic XP4000!



Now, this is not your goddamned little pussy boiler machine. This is a true 15 bar pump machine capable of real extraction and serving up rich crema every time. Four ounces of this stuff will gently coax your innards to give up the hangover shits in log form on a consistent basis. I have also noticed that there seems to be some kind of natural mucous type lubricant which aids in the dispatching of said turd logs upon the purchase and use of this fine machine. Can your white trash coffee do that? I didn't think so.

So if any of you, like I, have suffered from the hangover coffee first-cigarette-of-the-day white knuckle truck ride to work looking for the colsest gas station or just a cardboard box and some privacy, drop a couple of bills and treat yourself. You'll be glad that you did.