Animal, from the power trio, Devil Riding Shotgun asks;
"What's with the Black Maria "Guarantee"? Are we talkin' cash, sexual favors (performed or received), or the guarantee of being paid even if your shit blows up?"

Good question! Many people have heard about and are curious about the "Black Maria Guarantee". and our good friend Animal is very close to the answer here. It is anchored by a substantial* cash guarantee that assures payment--yes--even if our shit blows up. Sexual favors (performing and receiving) and such falls under the heading of "Pleasure", not "Business". Black Maria has so far been fortunate enough to not have to contract out for sexual favors (performing and receiving)............yet.



*as in the early Black Maria song, "Fives Of Dollars".

[QUOTE]Originally posted by dr.thunda:
Dear Black,

1) What happened to Brian's amp on the 12th? Fuses/tubes? I noticed the chest thumping OD bass went out a few times. He brings a massive amount of sound!

I'm not certain from my drunkin state, but I swear that i saw the drummer unplug big b's amp in a attempt to promote their new side project A.S.S.(Anderson, Sells & Sells) but Little did he know that terry was on the same power strip/extention cord combo. maybe he'll get over next gig!

Well, looks loke the "cats out of the bag" on that particular "secret. And indeed there are other "side projects". One of the more popular side projects operates under the working title,
Terry Sell's Whale Rider.
It's an atmospheric journey into sound, light and emotions. More to come later....

So it's a new week (Tuesday is Monday to Black Maria) and time for some more "Secrets". Ready? Here goes:

-Doan's Pills

-Dristan (nasal spray)

-Bufferin

-Anacin

-Ale8-One

-Dr. Linus Pauling Premium Super Multi Vitamin & Herbal Energizers w/Phyto Nutrients and Green Super Foods

-TriVita Energy Now! Energy Activating Formula

-TriVita Sublingual B-12 including B-6&Folic Acid

-Costco Eight Pack of 9 volt Duracell Coppertops

-Grand Funk Railroad

quote:

Originally posted by black:
...-TriVita Energy Now! Energy Activating Formula

-TriVita Sublingual B-12 including B-6&Folic Acid

-Grand Funk Railroad

Let me ask you: do you take "Grand Funk Railroad" orally, or is it a suppository? I haven't seen that at the Walgreens.

I recommend this:

It's hard to find nowadays, but I got ahold of some. Imagine Carmex with more Satan in there.

Levi Eleven/Nathan Nation,
RockSquawk denizen,Champion Chimp, entrepreneur, business mogul, C.E.O., parent, Musician, gadfly and Man-About-Town (amongst his many laurels), presents us with a well thought out question, and a possible solution:

quote:

Originally posted by Nathan Nation:
Let me ask you: do you take "Grand Funk Railroad" orally, or is it a suppository? I haven't seen that at the Walgreens.

I recommend this:

It's hard to find nowadays, but I got ahold of some. Imagine Carmex with more Satan in there.

Evil!
It's not hard to imagine Carmex with more Satan. Good to know that it's a reality, not just an urban legend (as opposed to Legendary Urbane, like yourself). Fortunately in this case, Grand Funk Railroad works at maximum strength when taken aurally .

Thanks again for the question and the "heads-up" on the salve. Black Maria has many uses for such a product.

Questions? You know you got 'em. Ask away...!

OK, I'll bite - when the @$#% are we finally gonna be able to get the Black Maria CD?

At the risk of answering a question with a question (O.K. no risk, I'm actually doing it), do you think that anyone would want one?

That said, I'm happy (yet somewhat reluctant) to report that everything on the long awaited Black Maria album is done! We are trying to arrange time with the cat that did the art work for final approval. One that's done, the whole mess will be shipped off, pressed and reproduced---a process that should be no longer than a week.

After spending the last year or so answering that question with "In a month or so", Black Maria is hesitant to commit to an actual date. Much like true love and payment for a gig, we will belive it when we see it.

And you and the other fine Squawkers here will be the first to know. 'Cause one Hell of a fucking party will ensue!


Now how about some more Secrets?



-Frequent "Field Trips" by certain Black Marias are a necessary part of "The Creative Process".

-The Hobbie Mountain Ranch really does exist. And it really is off Penny Lane. Bear and chicken sightings do occur regularly and are not hallucinations .

-"Band Camp or "Practice.
"Rehersal" is for thespians. If there is a script invoved, it's rehersal. If there is beer, liquor, "stuff", and shit talking (as well as loud noise) then it's Practice/Band Camp.

-There are more songs in the Black Maria cannon than you could ever imagine. (now if we could just remember how that one riff went...)

The question of Red or Green seldom occurs. Xmas or "either" is the usual answer.

-although New Mexicans through and through, Black Maria has a special spot in their cold, hard hearts for Texas.


Well that was random.
Thanks for reading. Keep those questions coming and we'll be back here with more"Secrets" soon.

quote:

do you think that anyone would want one?

Well, at the very least, I promise to buy one, but I'm sure plenty of other people will want a copy.

If that's the case, the first one goes to you. Thanks Bro.

you guys are gonna sell 1000000 of those!!!

SEMPER BLACK MARIA!!!

Wow.
Thank all y'all for those kind words. Very cool.

Seein' that it's Monday in the real world, no "Secrets" will go up*. But any and all questions are welcome.

Bring 'em.



*Black Maria requires a certain "recovery" period. I'm sure that's no "Secret" though.

The latest from Thunda- Aside from Nasal Spray, what is Black Maria's favorite beverage?

Thanks to Left Brain's bassist, communication officer and all-around music supporter/lover, man-about-town, dr. thunda, we have this week's first question:

"Aside from Nasal Spray, what is Black Maria's favorite beverage?"

An excellent question (despite the minor dispertion cast on our method of Nasal Spray ingestion)! In fact, this is a question worthy of it's own thread-----almost. You see, the consumption of beverages is an integral part of not just the creative process, but to actually sustaining life itself! It's no secret that the human body is made up of 55 to 60% water. But it's not only the human body that comprises a majority of it's make-up to water. Beer is 90% water. What better way to obtain that life giving water*, than through the consumption of Beer?

Since we are talking not only quick replenishment, but also a good buzz (to get the creative jucies flowing, you know?), there are budgetary considerations, as well as those of taste. With that in mind, the one Beer that will deliver on all three of those points, consistantly and without fail is;

Miller High Life, The Champagne Of Bottled Beer.

No question there. You will find Miller anywhere a Black Maria or two are gathered. Practice, at home, in the club, with supper, for breakfast (sometimes). You name it. But this is not to say that Black Maria limits themselves to this particular brand. In fact, in the early days of Black Maria, Budwieser was often spotted at practice and at home. In fact a Budwieser Tall Boy or two can often be spotted in the clutches of a Black Maria. Especially at bars that feaure this item as a special. And no band camp/practice would seem complete without Brent and his four-pack of Silver Bullet Tall Boys (hey, shut-up! he's a killer drummer and a great guy. he's also under a lot of pressure)

But when the buzz is already right, the moneys not tight, and especially if You're buying, our fancy tastes kick in. High-Tone favorites include,but are not limited to:

-Anchor Steam

-Sierra Nevada Pale Ale

-Samuel Smith Ales and Porters

-Kona Brewery Products

Heineken,Guinness and Harp

-Wet Mountain Pale Ale

...and of course the snobby list of fancy-pants, "crafted" brews/micro brews could go on ad nauseam. Suffice to say that due to a combination of finacial constraints and unabashed alcoholism, Miller High Life is the Beer of convienence and choice.

Although most of Black Maria derive their daily ammount of sugar intake via alcohol, one Black Maria has a notorious "sweet tooth" and can be often heard extolling the virtues of a well iced

-fountain style Coke.

This same individual is also know for his enthusiasm for:

-Fresh Squeezed Orange Juice

-Lemonade (all types)

-Ginger Ale (made from scratch at a bar is best)

7-Up, Sprite, Sierra Mist

Other alcoholic staples of the Black Maria beverage repertoire, and certainly one of our necessities is a shot (large) of;

-Chilled Grey Goose Vodka

The addition of a Jr. Mint or two to the shot, make it a Black Maria Signature Drink. And speaking of Signature Drinks, a few years ago, the staff of Burt's Tiki Lounge created the first Black Maria Signature Drink. None other than the-

-Black Maria

Consisting of equal parts,
-Jaggermiester
-Goldschlager
-Jameson
-Jim Beam

This little known concoction is available at Burt's Tiki Lounge, Anodyne, the Launchpad and anywhere else you might find an amiable bartender. This drink will give you a real idea what being in Black Maria is like. And it goes down surprisingly easy, despite one's hesitation (or bad past experiences) with any of the individual ingredients on their own. It's quite tasty and extremely effective.

Another "hard" beverage of choice is;

-Grey Goose and Red Bull
a.k.a.
-A Black Maria Speedball

One evening, at Sea Level, a certain Black Maria consumed 18 of these in a single "sitting"! And he was still raring to go and showed no adverse reaction. True story.

And let's not forget the "healing" and "restoritive" powers of a well made

-Bloody Mary or Screw Driver

on a murky Sunday (or other) Morning. Deelish! And if a Black Maria (or more) are in a courting situation, that is trying to impress a girl the next morning,

-Mimosa's all around! (cheap Spumonti is perfectly acceptable.)


But being in Black Maria also means a commitment to moving forward and always being open to new and different things. At anytime, anywhere. It's really no "Secret" that Black Maria loves beverages.
Good question.
Keep 'em coming.

...and since you're up, could you get me another?



*the sharp-eyed will notice an always present bottle of water at the base of G's stack.

"Big Easy" and "'Lil Sleazy" (the two more active Black Maria's on this forum) are just about to jet off to Phoenix for the SHOD Fest. Although we were offered a slot at this Festival months ago, Brent and Angie already had plans. Perhaps next year.

Glad that our recomendations to the organizers of this event went down. Now we will be able to rock out with SuperGiant (and many other fine bands) and pretend rock out with Devil Riding Shotgun. If our last field trip (to SXSW) is any indication of potential behavior(s), it may be a while before this thread continues. But don't let that stop you from sending in your questions or checking back for more "Secrets".

Now I got a plane to catch.....

Back for more! Actually, let's just let this one, not-so-secret bit of info out;

-One Black Maria has basically NO spelling skills.

His life has been a charade, perpetuated by the advent of SpellCheck, and other such devices (none of which are featured here at RockSquawk). Before that, his only salvation was a phonetic dictionary Santa Claus gave him long. long ago.

quote:

-One Black Maria has basically NO spelling skills.

I think he may just be too proud (or distracted, or stoned) to look down at the keyboard when he types.

You can't get away with anything around here.

Ain't that the truth!

(Good to know that RacerX has some faith in my abilities. I mean, the man has some serious credentials in this area)

To the endlessly wise(ass) G,

When was the last time any of Black Maria got 86'ed at a bar?