So, I got to this show a little earlier than I should have last night (doors were at 8, I got there at about 9:45 which was still about an hour too early). As a result, I had an opportunity to observe, at length, the douchebags who I can safely say are now my least favorite band of all time. Blumenkraft.

I'll give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that their name refers to the venerated German craft of Blumening; otherwise, it's probably some milquetoast, one-world-one-love, flower thing and that would be totally lame. Fitting, but lame.

This little three-piece spent over a half an hour doing sound check, the bulk of which was devoted to a concerted effort to get the reverb settings on the drummer's microphone just right. He was this frat-boy looking motherfucker, walking that precarious line between enthusiastic participation in fart-lighting contests after anonymous sex with a co-ed and "I'm a hip musician" street cred. What a disaster.

The reverb kept feeding back - apparently this guy is, in reality, only capable of uttering the most gutteral of noises, thereby necessitating an amount of digital reverb that has hitherto been reserved for the PA system of the Almighty himself when issuing edicts to the tribe of Israel. No less than six times during this soul-raping spectacle he piped up with the following helpful suggestion: "Maybe I could just cut the gain a little." Hmm. Seems to me that you've tried that about twelve times already; had you considered the possibility that you're a moron?

This guy had some kind of huge-ass mixing board set up behind his drumkit for god knows what purpose since he didn't seem to be particularly proficient at the whole sound-checking process. I kept hoping against hope that it would turn out to be the AI computer brain of the drumkit, and that the kit would suddenly transform into a giant robot. It would smash the stupid drummer into smithereens, and then I would hop on its broad shoulder as it careened its way out into the street. We would rampage up central, stomping on cars and uprooting trees and shit for a while, and then we'd probably hit the Frontier 'cause it's the only thing open that late. Well, that and Wal-Mart, but I think the mouth-breathing, fatty-cart riding clientele would probably overload Drumbot's circuits and he'd end up destroying all of humanity; giant robots are moody motherfuckers.

Anyhow, it pretty much goes without saying at this point that the band sucked. The guitarist's delay was too slow for the drumbeat, and their musical decisions were always generic and often cringe-worthy. We don't need to delve into that here though, because the salient point is that their set was only like 15 minutes long. What in the holy name of fuck is that about? A 30 minute sound check to make sure that the tuneless howling that accompanies your bland riffs has the exacto-proper amount of reverb, and you play for 15 fucking minutes?! Fuck Blumenkraft.

The only other thing that I found noteworthy about the show in general was the smorgasbord of entertaining hipsters during E.A.R./Spectrum. Watching these douches attempt to groove along to ambient drone music is just priceless. I'm talking Visa commercial priceless, people. They awkwardly lurch about from the waist up, accentuating certain moves with some extra neck-based action as though something musically important just happened; one hand feverishly gripping a can of PBR, the other jammed firmly into the pocket of their girl-jeans (boot cut, mostly, since straight leg won't fit around their man-ankles).

Occasionally, one of these Flock-of-Seagulls coifed pantywastes would glance furtively about in an effort to ascertain the amount of hipster cred he would obtain by half-mouthing empty, meaningless syllables as if he actually knew the words to this particular song. "Oh yeah, this was a B-side from a single that Sonic Boom did for a soundtrack in the early nineties; Belgian import only."

Did I mention that I'm interested in "reclaiming" the term "fag" to be specifically used as a reference to these retards, as in "Check out that stupid emo fag"? Seriously, look at one of those bozos and then look me in the eye and tell me that "fag" doesn't just FEEL right. We can strip it of its negative, anti-homosexual slur origins, and restore it to its rightful place in the pantheon of gloriously appropriate insults. I don't even care if that hipster shit goes out of style in a few years. I'd gladly take 2 good years of being able to hurl around the term "fag" with a clear conscience over a lifetime of never feeling good about the term at all. Am I right?

*This post does not necessarily reflect the actual opinions of Dave-O...except for that part about Drumbot, 'cause don't even try and tell me that shit wouldn't be dope.

This review is only half-done. Aren't you gonna make fun of the other bands?

Nope - E.A.R./Spectrum was interesting, but fairly unremarkable. I got the impression that something was amiss during the Death Valley Days set...they probably had to cut their set short or something because of the epic Blumenkraft soundcheck. If that is the case, it's just one more reason to hate Blumenkraft.

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The only other thing that I found noteworthy about the show in general was the smorgasbord of entertaining hipsters during E.A.R./Spectrum.

wow, that was really enlightening ... hey, i was wondering if perhaps i could consult with you sometime to help me become 'cool' because clearly you are the expert around here and you must be really, really, really fucking cool. I really want to be cool in your eyes

"Davo-O" your ego is astonishing. too bad you, like most of you shit-talking idiots are too fucking stupid to set your profile to private and to not use your work email when signing up (thus exposing your true identity to everyone who chooses to look )

i'm really tired of all the know-it-alls around here that think they are so great they can pass judgment on everyone around them. esp, the ones who try to hide behind a fake screen name and probably don't even play in a band.

i'll bet if you were posting as yourself you wouldn't be talking so much shit on everyone sis. oh, and you really come across as a jealous, self-conscious, wannabe

concerning the dready chick.... i have never seen anyone get down that hard to droning electronica. but who cares? it looked to me like she was having a good time! maybe she was on e? i don't know know!!!???? it's her life, she can do what makes her happy.

SO yeah, I was there last night. Missed the soundcheck but I enjoyed seeing Blumenkraft's set. I'm always down to hear a new group and see what they have to offer. I thought they were a bit too loud in the PA and the guitar delay was a bit much but overall I thought it was a cool/interesting outfit. I wondered if they put the group together just for this particular show or if we'll be seeing them again.

Death Valley Days is one of my local favs. You never quite know what to expect from a band that claims to never rehearse and has different members for practically every show. Every show is different. Every time they play a song it's different. I like the drummer they had last night. he's got a down and dirty, loose style and i dig it. 3 songs was a bit too short. I wanted more. The last song was a bit rough but seeing a band argue on stage mid-song about changes on stage is priceless! (nothin but love dave fame)

Spectrum argued on stage over changes as well. Did anyone see when the other dude picked up the guitar and then the obvious 'main' dude went over to him and made him stop ... then he started a few measures later. I thought that was funny. Spectrum didn't do much for me ... not that I didn't dig the drone, i'd just rather not be at the LP for that. Standing there watching dudes push buttons to start drum loops then twist knobs to tweak oscillators and envelope filters or whatever they're called is kinda boring to me.

Webmonkey:

That whole post was tongue in cheek, which I thought was fairly obvious given the rampant absurdity contained therein. I thought it might be funny to have a contentious "wish you were there" post for once, instead of the usual, dry, "it was totally awesome, rock on!" stuff that gets posted. Unfortunately, knee-jerk folks like you are just too fucking defensive about anything having to do with our "scene" that it's almost impossible for you to take a step back and laugh once in a while. I wasn't referring to the hippy chick at all in that post - as a matter of fact, I had nobody at all in mind since I wasn't really standing there watching the crowd...I was watching the show. Matter of fact, I enjoyed myself at the show...didn't blow my mind, but I stayed for the whole thing which, on a Tuesday night, is saying something. Lighten the fuck up you self-righteous, pompous fuckstick.

P.S. Gee, I wasn't aware that we were all supposed to be operating like secret agents around here. Do you honestly think I give a shit whether or not you know who I am? Is that some kind of bullshit threat or something? Every time you disagree (or think you disagree, since you clearly had no clue what the reality of the situation was) with someone on here you feel the need to creepily point out that you know where to email them?! That's just sad, petty, immature, and really dumb.

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Do you honestly think I give a shit whether or not you know who I am?

Good, then why don't you tell everyone your name so you can stand behind all the shit you talk on everyone.

Can't they just look in my public profile and find out if they're curious?

And, so far, you're the only one that I've talked legitimate shit to...my original post was a joke, and you're the one who actually began the shit talking before even bothering to inquire as to how serious I was being. Don't dish it out if you can't take it.

Let me just take a moment to draw your attention to the disclaimer that appears in the original post...how much clearer do I need to make it that I was just fucking around? You got bent out of shape. You made a creepy threat. Not me. You.

This thread "...was totally awesome, rock on."

Except the part where that girl called WebMonkey a fuckstick. Who calls anyone a fuckstick?

Not so totally awesome and so not amplified to Rock...

quote:

Originally posted by black:


Who calls anyone a fuckstick?

The late not so great Scutt?

I stand corrected.

(although does he technically count, being a quitter and all that?)

I thought the original post WAS a joke, but I guess you can take such statements as insults, and who likes that? Sometimes I enjoy seeing a review that isn't glowing in some vapid sort of way (though I do enjoy those), and a longer, more detailed review is even better. Throw in some humorous adjuncts about robots and the review has entered another tier. I would like to see more people writing reviews of a detailed nature, if sometimes off-topic (discussing the crowd more than the music, or robots... always with the robots). The boomhead review of the sicksicksick showcase is a great example of what I personally like reading, and would hope more of those going to shows would do the same (or similar). I have a tendency to forget things as the time passes (as most do) and having those shows documented satisfies the archivist side of me.

but fuckstick?... hmmm.... that sounds like it was made for fun, but actually wouldn't be much fun. yikes!

Damn Dave-O or Dave-ette talking shit to the WebMonkey is sac religious sister!!!!...He is the moderator and keeps the diplomacy in tact for the emotional cannons like myself, Levi, and Zac. Your review if it was supposed to be funny was a poor attempt at best, a bit overboard for a tongue in cheek expression to me and not a single funny line and ask my mom I am funny. The only thing I kept thinking was damn this is a seriously venomous unhappy woman who has yet to delve beyond the surfaces of skin and clothes, a lost soul. You seem to be a reasonably intelligent person but probably have either a low self esteem or an over inflated ego derived from a low self esteem and insecurity. Imagine if your observations were geared towards seeing the positive in the beautiful subtleties you described rather than picking these people having fun, and their bands apart? You probably would have had a good night. Stick to the music when writing any review the more honest the better right? (Captain) I think Web Monkey's review is actually a good review because he describes many positive things in conjunction with things that he found to be out of his realms of taste. Well done Web Monkey.

Take some time and drink some Sleepytime Tea tonight and rest your head so you can quit worrying about what other people are wearing and doing, focus on yourself then maybe you can make a contribution to our world that isn't skewed by your own sad judgments.

Oh and your disclaimer was a poor attempt at disassociating yourself with what you really feel.

There's a big difference between not finding something funny and taking it to be gospel truth. I am flatly amazed at just how unwilling people like you are to recognize sarcastic, satiristic bullshit when you see it. Yes, bullshit. It was nothing more than a semi-fictional, bullshit concert review to liven things up around here. I don't actually give a flying shit about what people wear, what they do, what kind of music they like, etc. IT WAS ALL MEANT TO BE HUMOROUSLY CONTENTITIOUS FOR THE SAKE OF HUMOROUS CONTENTIOUSNESS. Let me repeat myself one more time because there seems to be a reading comprehension problem around here: I don't give a shit about people's clothes or their dancing or their silly little rockstar escapades. I believe I mentioned in a subsequent post that I actually enjoyed myself at the show - guess you missed that one, Sal. Did I do a little bit of eye rolling during the long sound check? Sure. Was I infuriated to high heavens the way I made it sound in my fictional little narrative? Of course not. Was the delay off during the first set? Yup. Did I actually think that Blumenkraft was the most offensive thing ever to spring up out of the depths of local music? Hell no.

I say again: way too much misplaced sensitivity about the "scene" around here sometimes. And once again, for those prone to reading difficulties: if you didn't find it funny, that's fine; I'm merely pointing out that the piece has nothing to do with me, personally, or my own attitudes.

quote:

Oh and your disclaimer was a poor attempt at disassociating yourself with what you really feel.

Are you actually attempting to dictate my own thoughts to me? Seriously, people...what the fuck? First WebMonkey makes not-so-veiled internet stalker threats, and now the mind police have come forth to point out that the things I clearly indicated were not my true feelings actually are?

I don't want to dictate anything, especially your thoughts your writing speaks volumes about that...

Then maybe you are just a poor writer? You have to realize that there is no intonation to be had on here there is no way to tell what someone is feeling other then by what is type written. I read funny things all the time and the delivery is everything. I am the mind police and you are going to jail ....

by the way I can tell you are frustrated now ...how is that for senses?

quote:

Originally posted by Dave-O:
Lighten the fuck up you self-righteous, pompous fuckstick.

Can I borrow this? It just wreaks of humor and enlightenment.

quote:

First WebMonkey makes not-so-veiled internet stalker threats

I didn't make any threats. Quit being such a baby. I just pointed out the fact that you were an idiot for using your work email signup for a profile to hurl insults at a bunch of people. shit, even camaro matt has a yahoo account!.... oh no wait, it was a all just a 'joke' so it doesn't matter what kind of mean things you say about people..... right

I thought the review was humorous and entertaining. It didn't seem hateful to me. Dave-O has not been a shit-talker on this forum that I know of (compared to yourbandsucks, WRC, Camaro M. etc...)just another member. I was a little taken aback by webmonkey's response.

Maybe they should change this forum's name to
Rantsquawk*



*Just for the record, I enjoy the verbal sparring and don't take it seriously**



** most of the time